Stories of Consensual Non-Monogamy from SBeth

:wave:

Change is scary. It is incredibly difficult, uncomfortable, and unfortunately usually not a safe option for oneself and one’s loved ones.

I never really cared about all of that, until not feeling safe encompassed my entire vision and blurred who I wanted to be and always was. See the #MetToo story for context. Feel free to ask privately for more context. ❤

So, here I am, in 2026 at 38 years old Coming out of the Closet for the Nth time in my life.

My chosen name is SarahBeth. One name, my Chosen First name as it is so typed with the “S” and the “B” capitalized. I chose this name in 1st grade at a Capital District Private school in the early 90’s. My maternal Grandmother gave me that name and it made me so very happy then, and does now. Enough said there, I hope, because that is a very very painful memory.

You may call me SarahBeth.

You may continue calling me “Sarah” if our relation to each other lends to continuing to do so, or if you ask my permission to do so. or permission from one of my 5 loved ones.

My Polycule may communicate that permission if you are for some reason uncomfortable and need that buffer to feel like, yes, you do know me. “Sarah” still makes me feel good, but not on the lips of people I do not know. If I don’t know you, you do not have my consent to call me “Sarah” any longer, it is dead to me.

I am not a “Mother of Many” or Mother of any humans, just my cats (more like a Whisperer… that’s another story for another day). I was a chemical level Mother for 5-6 weeks with a man who ended up ruining my fucking life for many years and wrecked me, but it/she decided to leave my body on it’s/her own for reasons I don’t understand but forgive myself for. I have let that pain go, given it/her a name, and buried in my memory. Do not dig it back up please without Consent to do so I am not a Wife to anyone at this point, though I have been twice and still really kind of like “wife” as a label, makes me feel good things. The only meaning I still feel and attach to “Sarah” is “Princess.” Decide for yourself if you want to use it. The meaning of “Beth” is my own. You may research etiology, and you may request more info from me privately, not publically at this time, please.

My middle name is Dead to me, in perpetuity, and was never mine but given me through and from Pain.

My last name hurts me and has my entire life. It dies with me as soon as I can **legally** do so. Those who still have it as their name have hurt me, repeatedly, endlessly, until the day I said no more or they ceased to be in my life.

I am an S.A. survivor, a Domestic Violence survivor, I have been traumatized by, yes, *everyone* with dead last name… So, unless for legal reasons, you do not have my consent to attach it to me or utter it around me. I am not the person I was, and I sure as Fuck am not akin / a kin to those who still wear the name. Please respect this for my sake so I can finally heal and move on from my trauma, and walk in love and newness, not pain and whatever-the-holy-fuck my Blood Family did/does/still do.

I am Non-Binary. By that, I mean I am not a male, never have identified as a male, never wanted to be male, and never have been. I like “masculine” ( I call it “dominant” energy, others call it “bitchy” or combative or… English, words, w/e IDK) energy and I like to harness it in various ways and switch between them based on how I’m feeling that moment / day / period of my life.

I like being a person who enjoys both femininity and masculinity. I love feeling pretty, cute, sexy, strong, intelligent/smart, resourceful, both aggressive and pleasantly submissive (See: “Switch”) love to cook and clean and maintain house and home and baby my furrbabies…… but I do not enjoy being a woman because of how Cis-Men, mainly those who do not “get pronouns” have treated me a woman. It also means that I am not one of two things, I deny the binary entirely. The binary simple DOES NOT EXIST and never has. Instead I see gender as a spectrum like the human visual range of color/light, humans can only see so many. Some humans, are color/gender blind. And that’s ok, do you, maybe try using the tools that work to help you see what you can’r see though. Jusr don’t hurt people in your ignorance, and don’t stay stagnant in your arrogance. TIA.

You see, I *ahem* (am a) “Switch” (IYKYK), and routinely “Code Switch” between languages and vocabulary banks. I change clothes and makeup and “signals”… I know multiple ways to switch and communicate including Polyamorous, Atheist, and Cult-Level Evangelical vocabularies and languages including English, Spanish, Hebrew, little bit of Japanese, tiny bit of Russian (almost none anymore, but it’s somewhere in my brain) and although I failed Latin because the Professor didn’t know how to teach I know enough to get by.

I’ve been dirt poor living in squalor, I’ve been very very ill for a long time, I am Autistic and ADHD (NeruoSpicy, as I call it) and am medically retired and disabled. I try my motherfucking best to be better, do better, love better, speak better, Code Switch in a way that people understand, Switch in ways that feel good to me.

I have made so many mistakes that all I can say is: “I’m so fucking sorry.” I have been brainwashed by cult level religion to believe that confessions are necessary, and that so is forgiveness. As a Non-Theistic human, person-in-recovery-from-religion, secular, whatever-you-want-to-call-it… I deny that as true. I do not forgive freely, I love freely. Confessing does not earn forgiveness, never doing the thing again does.

I will probably fuck up again.  I’m working on forgiving myself for that because I am a/the Storm more days than not.

I am so fucking sorry for my mistakes. There are too many of them, encompassing most of my life. I don’t forsee mistakes ever stopping because I am human.

But I can commit to try better.

It starts by starting anew, again. Coming out, again. Trying again and again until I get it right. Bruises, bumps, scrapes, and some bleeding may follow but I can say I will keep getting up until this heart stops beating for good and I return to the atoms, the stars, that we all came from.

So, again, Hi! :wave: My name is a work in progress but you may call me SarahBeth, and you may ask permission to keep calling me Sarah to one of my 5 loved ones or myself. I am Femme and my gender identifier is Non-Binary because everything is a motherfucking spectrum larger than what you or I are able to currently see. I see in Non-Binary and deny the binary, if you do not, walk away now. 🙂

I also enjoy based on what I have SO FAR READ the following Spicier Labels that may explode your brains but please, have fun doing your “research” on what they mean, as I do the same to see if they do in fact fit: Poly/Demigender, Pansexual, Innately Polyamorous/Consensually Non-Monogamous, Switch (FemDaddy, Bratty Princess, Dominant Bottom),.

I will and always do take suggestions, sharing of your research or wisdom, knowledge, tools, media recommendations, validation, and always Love because Love is Always and Forever Love.

~SarahBeth